Okay, totally guilty of neglecting Andrea’s Bananas…but I promise, it isn’t because shit isn’t still totally bananas, I just was bringing life to the ridiculous phrase, “I can’t even.” Because while I was somehow managing to make deadlines and get my ass to work, everything else was a solid I CAN’T EVEN. But you know what, friends? I can even. AND I am going to reclaim the word crazy. Boys throwing that shit around is ridiculous. So, boys, for example, if you now ex, but at the time current girlfriend breaks into your house and you are in fact cheating on her, like ALL THE TIME, it might be a poor decision on her part, but I don’t know if it is crazy. And if you give your next (now ex?) girlfriend a key to avoid the whole breaking in thing, and she walks in on your scandalous calling and texting and grabs your phone to send the lucky lady on the other end a FaceTime at 2AM, is that crazy? Who cares, that girl is a bitch anyway and I give zero fucks if you think she is crazy or not.
I wrote this list awhile back… happy Wednesday and you’re welcome and I’m happy to be back and all that nonsense.
How’s your hangover? In case that doesn’t clue you in, here’s a fun way to see if you drank too much last night:
- Did you wake up alone?
- No? Is it a hook up or your best friend?
- Is there mascara still on your face?
- Do you have wine lips?
- Are you wearing the clothes you wore last night?
- Where is your phone? Did you send any stupid texts? Or worse…does it look like things have been deleted?
- Check your bank account – does it show more than one transaction from the same bar? (You know…you closed out because it was time but then reopened. And maybe reopened again.)
- Did something happen recently that can only be “fixed” by heavy drinking with your best friend or alone?
- Is this situation currently worse than it was yesterday?
- Is there a beer or other drink on your bedside table?
- Are you even in bed or are you on the couch/floor?
If you answered yes to more than three of these questions, you probably drank too much. Unless you answered yes to question number 2, but woke up with your crush and had everyone had a great time. In that case, high five.
Now go brush your teeth and take a shower, you smell like booze.
And for the record, if we are getting all middle school and shit and calling names, takes one to know one.