To Many More…

Awhile back my sister shared with me this cool site she uses called Rent the Runway. I’m sure many of you are familiar with it but as the writer of Bananas, I can assure you that the idea of renting a garment is risky to me. First question, “What happens if you lose it?” That got laughs. I wasn’t kidding though. I really wanted to know what happens if you lose this rented $3,000 dress. Not like I would intentionally pull a Lindsay Lohan, (I love you, Lindsay! Get your shit together, girl!!) but sometimes clothes come off. Costume changes! Swimming pools! These things are real. The struggle is real, my friends. Anyway… to date, my sister has not lost a dress and so together, for Fancy Lady Night when she comes to town, I am going to give it a whirl. Bananas to come re: all things borrowed.

I decided on a jumpsuit, because they are badass. The issue is that in regular people stores, the sizing is totally whacko. I will put on a size 2 and it will be baggy, forcing me to put on a zero. I’m not bitching about being slender, I’m bitching because that is not a real size representation. It is like the chain retailers got together Zoolander-style and decided that America is on average, obese, and they should make everyone feel better and buy more things by just calling what used to be a size 8, a size 6. So now, although you can order two sizes, I have to sort out what size in celebrity/Europe I currently am. Yayyyyy.

Wish me luck. Also, on this day, the last day of my 20’s, I’d like to take a minute to thank the universe for the opportunity to fail happily, tragically and everything in between so many, many times. I am fittingly hungover because my Birthday Soul Sister had a celebration last night, and in true form, I rejoiced! After being slightly stressed about secretly dropping off a birthday cake amid work deadlines, working out and wanting to spend time with a boy that I am excited about, I relaxed and enjoyed hanging out with friends. Maybe being a little excited about birthdays, new job/boy/life goals helped lubricate the fun, along with a lovely afternoon of mani-pedis birthday girl-style. But then I just got bottles on bottles. Seriously, I really like wine and went from eh, I’ll split a bottle with a friend right on to shoving delicious cake in my face along with ordering another bottle of rose and then just straight rolling through the Borolos and whatnot. Have you been there? If not, it’s fun. You should try it, or better yet, join us! Next week is a cleanse for sure. Or for maybe, I don’t know. A girl has needs. All Hail Vegetables!

Now, lets all say “Happy Birthday!” and “Cheers!” and all that…”To many more!”

Time For a Second Look

As far as random debauchery goes, I feel like I most often fall into it after a hearty serving of wine on Tuesday afternoons at Wine Seminar, when I go to work to learn about wine grapes and taste different selections that we sell at the restaurant. I am aware of the custom of spitting after tasting wine, and I’ll tell you here and now that I am fully against that type of waste if you came to work on your day off and there is booze available.

Seriously… swallow.

On a recent Tuesday, we did a blind tasting of several of the wines – it was a competition of sorts to see who could correctly identify the most. I was in kind of a mixed mood for drinking as I was fresh off a run-in with Sometimes Boyfriend but simultaneously super excited about upcoming career changes and some awesome freelance assignments on the horizon. In a grand attempt at winning, I tasted a few of the bottles more than once. I also helped finish off a few that were going to go to waste anyway – see I care! (HAPPY EARTH DAY!) Additionally, I was invited to the Friends & Family soft opening of the new St. Roch Market and I was pumped to go check out the space and enjoy some amazing food with my best friend. Among the newly curated list of fresh cheese, produce, meat and prepared goods are my friends Rita and Will of The PDR NOLA.

A bunch of my coworkers were also at the soft opening, as I befriended The PDR partners over the past few years at the restaurant that I work. Needless to say, it got a little sloppy. I immediately began fetching drinks and passed on the delicious food offerings for no reason other than I was drunk and the lines were prohibitive of Drunk Andrea selecting and purchasing food. If you saw me Tuesday, you probably could tell that I might benefit from a sandwich, a steaming bowl of pho, or basically anything that one could find. So… I did just that.

With my best friend in hand, we decided to leave the high-end culinary experience and walk next door to Rally’s. If you are not familiar, Rally’s is something that I’ve only seen in the South, and it is a fast food chicken joint that has a walk-up window to order food late night. This is great and avoids the trouble that we see coming from Florida all the time when drunk people try to walk or bike through the drive-through after midnight. We got French Fries and I remember drunkenly eating them in the parking lot while chatting up some local boys. I think they thought I was funny. Although, I’m pretty sure anytime you are super drunk and think you are being hilarious, you probably are not. Regardless, fries were eaten. Ketchup was spilled on my dress, and when we returned, the market was 100% empty and all shut down. I guess that’s a wrap.

Or not! The next day I got a lovely email from my bank. The subject, “Potential repeated charge on your card” was enough to get me to click on an email that might otherwise join the other 887 unread messages in my email.

The following message was contained in the body:

“Time for a second look.

It looks like your account may have been charged more than once for the same transaction on April 8, 2015. Is this a mistake?
Recent transaction history:
$5.36 RALLY’S 0417
$5.36 RALLY’S 0417

Sign into your account if you would like to review these transactions. If one of these charges isn’t right, simply open the transaction and click on the File a Dispute link.

Hopefully, everything is OK. But if it isn’t, don’t worry, because we’ve got your back.”

I basically almost died laughing because, while I don’t specifically remember making two separate purchases, it is FULLY possible that I either a) needed more food or b) decided to be all sugar-mama rolling in cash and offered to buy someone else’s food JUST AS MUCH as it is possible that c) they charged me twice.

If you can’t guess, I opted not to dispute the charge because really, I think it is better for everyone involved that no one officially “take a second look” because I am definitely not looking to put a magnifying lens to that purchase, thank you very much.

Takes One to Know One

Okay, totally guilty of neglecting Andrea’s Bananas…but I promise, it isn’t because shit isn’t still totally bananas, I just was bringing life to the ridiculous phrase, “I can’t even.” Because while I was somehow managing to make deadlines and get my ass to work, everything else was a solid I CAN’T EVEN. But you know what, friends? I can even. AND I am going to reclaim the word crazy. Boys throwing that shit around is ridiculous. So, boys, for example, if you now ex, but at the time current girlfriend breaks into your house and you are in fact cheating on her, like ALL THE TIME, it might be a poor decision on her part, but I don’t know if it is crazy. And if you give your next (now ex?) girlfriend a key to avoid the whole breaking in thing, and she walks in on your scandalous calling and texting and grabs your phone to send the lucky lady on the other end a FaceTime at 2AM, is that crazy? Who cares, that girl is a bitch anyway and I give zero fucks if you think she is crazy or not.

I wrote this list awhile back… happy Wednesday and you’re welcome and I’m happy to be back and all that nonsense.

How’s your hangover? In case that doesn’t clue you in, here’s a fun way to see if you drank too much last night:

  • Did you wake up alone?
  • No? Is it a hook up or your best friend?
  • Is there mascara still on your face?
  • Do you have wine lips?
  • Are you wearing the clothes you wore last night?
  • Where is your phone? Did you send any stupid texts? Or worse…does it look like things have been deleted?
  • Check your bank account – does it show more than one transaction from the same bar? (You know…you closed out because it was time but then reopened. And maybe reopened again.)
  • Did something happen recently that can only be “fixed” by heavy drinking with your best friend or alone?
  • Is this situation currently worse than it was yesterday?
  • Is there a beer or other drink on your bedside table?
  • Are you even in bed or are you on the couch/floor?

If you answered yes to more than three of these questions, you probably drank too much. Unless you answered yes to question number 2, but woke up with your crush and had everyone had a great time. In that case, high five.

Now go brush your teeth and take a shower, you smell like booze.

And for the record, if we are getting all middle school and shit and calling names, takes one to know one.