Tall Dark and Handsome

Mardi (party.) Gras edition. In case you live in the regular world, it is Carnival and that means costume is the dress code and you are lame if you don’t get down with it. Costumes also help with bold behavior and bad pick up lines. They kind of go hand in hand. Also, people basically always have a drink or whatever substance du jour so there is a solid lubricant for funny things to be said to strangers (or ex boyfriends).

We threw an awesome party on Friday, and I was all about having a good time that night, surrounded by my best friends who all looked super fierce. Sometimes-no-more Boyfriend was there with his new Skanky Ho and that was annoying but its Mardi Gras and sometimes you just have to deal with it. Of course I wanted to vomit when he was spanking her ass and grunting in line in front of me waiting for Deep Fried Photo because that is just rude. Although, I remedied the situation by imagining pulling her wig off and getting into some crazy lady fight in the movie montage sort of way. As much fun as it would be to go all Heathers on her, this is 2015 and that is apparently not okay. Also he was being disgusting but in slight defense he didn’t know I was behind him during said spanking and grunting (vomit) and once he turned around they decided to quit on the line and that was a good call on their part. (Win.)

After we took some killer photos, I was walking toward the main stage and this guy, we’ll call him Puffy Coat Guy, was going the opposite way. He stopped me to tell me how beautiful I am and asked where my boyfriend was. Since he was Puffy Coat Guy and thus not in costume (lame-o fratty boy) I was not impressed but said I don’t have a boyfriend. I was in no mood to hear the word boyfriend since I was trying incredibly hard to not let Sometimes Boyfriend and Skanky Ho ruin my night. I responded with a general Go Fuck Yourself tone and offered a smirky not-so-sexy laugh because I was now on the receiving end of the worst pick up line ever. But then, to my (eh) surprise he said “well then we should make out because I’m super hot.” He actually said that about himself. So now he’s upped the game and I like his confidence. Since he was actually hot (although also a total douche) and had no mouth sores waving a red flag, I went for it. There’s me and I’m making out with some stranger. I wonder if he used this apparently successful line on some other girl later

Fast-forward awhile and this gorgeous girl said a version of the same thing! I laughed way cuter for her “where’s your boyfriend” comment because she was super pretty and you’ve got to respect the ladies. And, for the record, she was an equally good kisser and I mentally high fived myself before continuing to dance.

Saturday was Valentine’s Day. Great. I had an invite plus one to a bad ass party and no one to go with. You know what is cool about not having even a friend date? I met a boy! He lives Uptown I know this because he swore he would remember my number without writing it down, and I was shocked when he actually did. He had zero lame pick up lines but an amazingly sexy accent and sent me a text around midnight (because he could remember my phone number) and it read “Tall dark and handsome, we kissed passionately at MOMs Ball. You live in Mid City and I live Uptown.” But per usual, I had ran away and didn’t see the text until the next day.

Kissing is fun. But guess what happened later! I accidentally left my phone (damn you, phone!!) in the cab on the way home from the parades yesterday. After resetting my password (again) for the iCloud thing, I successfully tracked my phone – thanks for the lesson, Emily – as it drove around the city. So frustrating. I put a message with my address on it and prayed that with 7%… then 3% battery that someone would see it and help a sister out before the phone died. Around 10 AM I was sure that I would never see my phone again and I had a very sad moment when I considered that I’d never find this mysterious stranger because by the time a new phone arrived he would probably have given up on texting or calling me ever again as I realized I was busy parade-partying and didn’t write back (OH MY GOD I AM AN ASSHOLE).

Alas I am not doomed to fail miserably at everything… the doorbell rang right as I was starting to fill out the Verizon form online for a lost device and IT WAS THE CAB DRIVER! Yayyyy!!! He was like, “Hey, you forgot to pay me last night.” And I, in my fluffy pink robe, was mortified and ran upstairs to grab a wad of cash, leaving him bewildered downstairs. It turns out he was kidding – I did pay, and he was just being a super nice human and bringing me my phone. I tipped him $20 for the hassle and guess what, I have now a date! Happy Mardi Gras!


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I have feelings, lots of them. I love to write, I love to party, and I probably have more fun than you do. Follow my blog to have all the fun with me.

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