Delete History

On a recent visit home, I overheard my dental hygienist talking to my mother about her daughter’s Internet usage. She was explaining that her daughter, I think she’s about 9, is allowed to surf the web as she chooses (not after bed time, etc.) but she isn’t allowed to clear the history. She’s in big trouble, as a matter of fact, if the history is cleared.

This makes me think of two things – 1) How do 9 year olds know about delete history? And 2) How can I make myself be in “big trouble” for deleting history.

As you well know, my phone is a bitch. Betrayal in every way possible. Calling exes that have been deleted and the worst offense of all: allowing for cleared history. My phone enables drunk-Andrea to cover her tracks by letting her delete calls and texts from the night before.

In a few cases (see below) it is a great idea to delete an unsavory exchange. Ever been dumped via text? Best to delete that shit, no sense re-reading that pussy move.

Specifically after a break up, if I’ve had a bottle of wine with myself, or two with my best friend I might feel like sending a text. Something’s been on my mind. Or maybe I go balls to the wall and actually DIAL. (You know if someone picked up if the call is more than 34 seconds.) Anyway, if you have MORE than your allotted one bottle of wine, you may think, HMMmmmm I am pretty sure I called/texted/attempted some sort of communication last night, so you flip through your phone. A telltale sign of bad decisions made is a cleared history. You covered your own tracks.

You think that it’s gone, because you can’t see it. IT NEVER REALLY HAPPENED. Sadly, it did. You have no way of knowing if it was read, sweet-ranging-to-pathetic, offensive or totally nonsensical. So, for what it’s worth, say fuck it and move on.

Times when you should clear history:


  • You are at work and doing non-work things on your computer
  • You’ve watched the same Taylor Swift video/Miranda Lambert video more times than is socially acceptable
  • You Googled yourself too many times
  • You Googled your ex/Your ex’s new girlfriend
  • You are on a family computer and it is better that your dad not accidentally happen upon your specific taste in Internet pornography


  • A boy (girl) you like said something super mean and it is better not to subject yourself to the perils of rereading, rehashing and trying to make sense of it
  • You said something really stupid and it is better to save yourself from rereading, rehashing and trying to make sense of it


  • You are about to die, and in that case, smash both phone and computer so your memorial is as it should be – free of the personal embarrassment associated with your mother/father/significant other flipping through your weird.

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I have feelings, lots of them. I love to write, I love to party, and I probably have more fun than you do. Follow my blog to have all the fun with me.

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